A sample page from Punch

Figure 1. First Officer (in spasm of jealousy). "WHO'S THE KNOCK-KNEED CHAP WITH YOUR SISTER, OLD MAN?" Second Officer. "MY OTHER SISTER."

TALES TOLD TO CIVILIANS. The FLY.

HAVE I been at the Front! — O Lor!

Was I over the bags? — You bet.

They tell me I won the mouldy war

At the Battle of Nouvillette ;

The bombs was terrible thick

And the shells was mountain-high,

And many a Bosch went back to base,

But I can't say much about what took place,

For I had a fly in my eye.

We were just getting up to Fritz

When the horrible thing occurred,

And bang in my eye the blighter sits,

The size of a well-fed bird ;

"Come on," the Officer says ;

I says to him, " 'By-and-by;'

It's all very well to say, 'Come on!'

I would if my arms and legs were gone,

But I've got a fly in my eye."

Have you been on a bicycle, Sir,

And copped it proper the same,

When the world was only a misty blur

And your eye like a red-hot flame,

So that you wept great tears,

So that you longed to die?

Well, think what it is when there happens to be

A battle you specially came to see,

And then get a fly in your eye.

They say as there ain't no doubt

What I ought to have gone and done-

Turned my upper lid inside out

And over the under one;

But I tell you the bombs was thick,

And never a man said " Hi!:

Just monkey about with your upper lid;"

So I blew my nose and I wept, I did,

And I still had a fly in my eye.

And then, Sir, I just went mad,

I groped for my trusty hype,

And I laid about like a Tyneside lad

With a good blind circular swipe ;

They tell me I killed ten Huns

And laid out Corporal Fry ;

The Huns they took to their heels and

fled,

And even the Company wished me dead,

And I still had a fly in my eye.

I fell on my poor old face,

I lay in a hole and swore;

And now they call me a shell-shock

case

And tell me I won the War;

They gave me the D.C.M.,

And that's why I seem so shy,

But this is the truth I've told to you,

And you never can tell what a man won't do

With a darned great fly in his eye.

A. P. H.

SPELLING BY "ANALOGY"

Lady

(finishing order at telephone).

And send it to Two hundred and fifty-three, Tanza Road.

Voice over telephone.

Two hundred and fifty-three — where, Moddam?

Lady.

Two hundred and fifty-three, Tanza Road.

Voice.

I'm sorry I can't hear you, Moddam.

Lady.

Two hundred and fifty-three, Tanza —

Voice

(coldly).

Spell it by analogy, Moddam.

Lady.

T for Tommy, A for apple, N for novel, Z for zany.

Voice.

Z for what?

Lady.

Z for zany.

Voice.

I'm sorry I can't hear, Moddom. Z for what?

Lady.

Z for zebra.

Voice.

Ah, that's better.

------

"Yesterday evening Mr. — J.P., auctioneer and farmer, was fired at when driving home… Mr. — , who is an ex-Chairman of the— Rural District Council, is a most popular man in the district. For some time past he has been subject to a series of annoyances, the most recent of which was the spiking of his lands, and his cattle and horses mutilated." — Irish Paper.

Popularity in Ireland would appear to have its drawbacks.